Such a great movie!
Out of everything. Not because I don’t have hope for somethings, but to begin with you shouldn’t hope for anything, but because its just the way that it goes.
Besides tumblr because its tumblr. School is back and I need my sanity. I’m still going in sane because I’m still doing the same shit that summer brought upon me. I can’t keep feeling the way I am, its tearing me up inside and its my own fault for it. I need to start making sacrifices no matter how bad I don’t want to. The first week of school has been good and I hope that this week will be good as well. But I can’t keep doing the same shit that I am. I mean yeah I’m having fun and honestly who gives a fuck what I do because I’m not doing anything wrong in a sense, but at the same time I feel like I’m being and doing the things that I’m not. I say I don’t give a fuck when I know the next god damn morning I will. Stopping things that you have done for so long is really hard to do, but sacrifices and growing up has to be done sooner or later.
Fall weather and I can not wait for it. Schools about to start and I’m getting really excitedd, nervous, and sad for it. I want to go back and I hope that ill be able to collect my sanity again, but at the same time I don’t want summer to end. This school year has a lot of deciding and things that need to be figured out, taken into place. Like graduation, and what happens afterwards, work, the marines, saving, and giving up somethings and actually sticking to them. Being outside right now I’m feeling peaceful by the mintue. Fall is my favorite season, but with fall comes a lot of sacrificing, changes, old memories, new memories, the best times and the worst times. New expierences are ahead of me; I can feel them in the air. Before school starts, maybe Sunday night I will, I want to take a drive on a night like this because its something that I used to do over the summer and this weather is just peaceful to me and I’m hoping it will calm the thoughts and feelings inside of me. I just can’t wait for the fall.
Matt & Kim, “5k”
How I feel
Honestly having not being in love and not being in an actual relationship for over 2 years now, i dont want anyone or love until college is over and my career is on set. I dont even want to get married for that matter. And its not because of the hurt factor, because that is such a bullshit excuse. Everyone gets hurt. All you do is cry about it for a day and then move the fuck on. Its not that bad and its very simple to do. but anyways when you do fall in love in a sense, especially when you are young, you do lose everything because a lot of people are fucking retarded and they give up everything for that other person. now its alright to give up somethings i guess if both are serious, but you dont want to feel controlled and not being able to do anything you want to do, because most of the time that happens. so you lose everything pretty much, including friends. it happens. so dont fall in love until your ready.
so alone right now. honestly i dont know why i feel that way, but i do. i miss my cousin, i miss her a lot and nights like these make me miss her the most. she was with my almost everyday last summer and then school happened and other friends happened and now she has her issues of her own that she is trying to fix and im proud of her for that, but i dont want her to move, but she is. i just want to call her and tell her to come over, but i cant cause she cant. it just sucks. i know i have people i can go to, but it just seems like right now some people just have their head’s stuck up there ass about other things. boyfriends, sex, drugs, boys in general, etc. nothing is wrong, but yet i have held so much shit inside because i honestly dont feel comfortable going to anyone about it anymore. i used to vent when needed and i knew people were there to just listen and say how they feel about the situation. and i know i have people now that i can go vent to and they will listen, but it just doesnt feel comfortable anymore so i hold everything inside to the point where i have breakdowns more frequently now. it just doesnt feel right going to anyone anymore. i have this thing were i dont like to be alone sometimes, and thats how i am feeling now. it used to just be when someone and me broke up, but its not like that anymore. it starts with me wanting to isolate myself and that never works and i dont do it, and then i get a lonely feeling and thats how i feel now. i just dont want to be alone. i want to be around people, but at the same time all the people i do want to be around arent here for different reasons, so it kind of goes back to isolating myself. i miss my cousin and i miss a couple other people as well, but when no one is making an effort then why try. i want so badly to move to a completely different state and start over were no one knows me and i can meet new people. that kind of contridicts everything, but thats what i want and i hope its in my future. also these headaches that i have been getting recently dont help at all, so i guess its time for bed to sleep it off.
Weird/fine mood. having hot flashes. going from one mood to another. a couple things to let out.
- When someone has a boyfriend or girlfriend i dont think that you should tell that person how you feel about them, especially when you know they are not going to leave them for you. but if that were to happen then you would more than likely only be a re-bound for the simple fact they only like you for the way you make them feel and thats it. also this goes along with the problem of you chasing the wrong person, again, when you have someone else staring you blankly in the face that would treat you just as great as the other. also lets not sit here and lead others on when we all know you dont feel that way about the other. or you could just be scared of taking a risk. also lets not judge others and give them a little chance first. you are only making things harder on yourself by continuing to feel this way about that person especially when you know and the reality is there is a slim chance to no chance that you will ever get the oppourtunity to be with them. also lets not talk shit about a person and then be nice to there face no matter how old the “talking shit” about the person has been, espeically when you say you love them and you have loved them for a long time. in my opinion that is just a little pathetic.
- I dont really know if making this party facebook offical was such a good thing or not. kind of think i should narrow it down some. i want to have a party, but yet again i dont want it to be big. i want to have a chill night, not a wild and crazy night. yeah i want to dance and drink, but i dont want anything to get out of control. and i am afraid it will and i hope i dont have to kick people out and i hope drama doesnt happen. i want a chance to be able to chill with some people who i havent seen in a while, i just hope they get the drift and they dont take it out of hand and get all wild and crazy. i miss alot of people and i have been real distant with alot of people, so i want to have this so everyone can kind of come together and chill. i have my reasons for being distant. 1. is work. 2. was school. 3. is the fact that i dont have my own car and have restrictions on the car that i do drive, so i dont want to bother people. i have been trying to “re-collect” with some people and i have realized the efforts that some have made and the effort that others havent made. the ones that havent made the effort back im not going to waste any more time on trying with them. i walked into freshmen and sophomore year with a lot of friends. junior year i had a handful. senior year i had about 2 “real good friends”. 2 years out of high school, i have 1 who in which i never talked to until a year after highschool. and then of course i have quite a bit more now and im happy with them. but i still feel like isolating myself and just shutting off every little bit of technology and just being alone. but at the same time i know i cant and dont want to do that because nothing has really gone wrong for that.
- Ive been thinking about someone a lot lately. actually 2 people a lot lately. im still mad, than happy, and than sad about it all. we were supposed to be “best friends” but we dont even talk to each other anymore. havent even said hi, how are you in a couple weeks or more. he tried at first and then i tried and than thats it for now. i know i made things bad at first and then it became patched up and now its just like thanks for saying something and not holding up to it. by now he should be out of my head and i shouldnt be thinking about him as much as i am, but i am and i hate it. and than the other person i dont even know where to begin with that. talking for almost two months non stop just stop talking, started talking again for two days and than thats it. like i dont want anything at all honestly, but if something comes along im not going to just shut them out. there is nothing holding me back anymore. honestly i dont understand the phrase “broken hearted” anymore because honestly everyone is going to get their “heart broken” over and over again until they finally find someone. its life. learn and move on. you can not except to be with someone for the rest of your life at a young age. yes it can happen and yes ive seen it happen, but its not always going to happen. you cant hold yourself back because your afraid of falling and then getting your heart broken. its reality its going to happen, get over it, its not the end of the world. you have to take risks in order to find out about things. usually when people shut out one person, its someone who is actually good for them, and then when the finally let someone in its either someone who isnt good for them or it just doesnt work out because that other person has their own fears and shit going on, so its a never ending cycle and its the truth and reality. my whole point of this is, honestly i dont even know. i still have anger inside and a little bit of sadness and i guess confusion as well. i dont want anything, but i thought the one thing that was going on was going to end up into something and it didnt and i guess it just makes me feel “lost” i suppose. because i dont want anything, but i did with someone and than we just stop talking. but for once i did go out of my way to say something first and im proud of myself because of the fear of rejection and im letting that fear go and that goes back to the whole you cant shut yourself out or down because of fear.
Its a lot harder than it seems, but it has to happen. Its really hard to be committed or stick to the things you want to do. Everything takes time though. In my opinion I don’t think people really think about the things in their future until last mintue. I mean I know some people do, but I think most people don’t and I have to admit I am one of them. I think that I didn’t really think about the things ahead of me when I was younger and now is the time where all the things I should have thought about are getting thrown at me and I have no idea what to do. But I’m working on it the best way I can. I didn’t think of sacrifices that I might have to make or anything like that. All I thought about when I was younger was party party party, and that is exactly what I did. But now I’m growing up and I have grown up and those things that I thought about back then don’t mean a thing to me now. My party days are overrated to me now. Honestly when it comes to the weekends now instead of think about getting drunk I’m think about the early working day that I need, things I need to get done, and getting enough sleep for the next working day. I need to breathe and stop worrying about the things that could go wrong and worry about the things that are ahead of me. I need to work on my actions and “attitudes” or “fustrations” and stop letting them get the best of me. I need to build and think of my future now. I have to make sacrifices and I’m ready to make them.
So I am going to “rant”. To begin with I know when I am wrong, and I have been wrong lately. I have admitted it, but im not the only one that has been in the wrong. I have no problem admitting when I am wrong. I will not argue with you and try to turn it around when I am wrong. I will straight up tell you that I am wrong and If I am sorry I will apologize, but If im not I wont give you my apology. I dont understand why its hard for people to admit when they are wrong and I am not going to sit her and beat a dead fucking conversation when its the same shit over and over again. Im not going to sit here and feel bad (as I still am, but it will pass over soon) for something that one I already apologized for and mean it (because im not going to sit here and apologize for something that I dont even mean, that is just a waste of my time) and two that isnt just all on me. Im not going to sit here and feel like its all on me when its not I know its not. I know the way things have been, have been wrong. I know i said and did things I shouldnt have done, but you know what its all been said and done with, its in the past, just forget about it and move on. And that is exactly what I am going to do. There is still a weight that needs to be lifted off of my shoulders, but I dont know how to lift it off of my shoulders. I dont know what else needs to be said and done in order for it to be gone, so for now Im just going to forget about it until it eventually gets resolved. Secondly im in this funk because I have committment problems. And when I say committment problems I mean to the “goals” I want to be able to accomplish. Im not staying committed to my “diet”. At first I do okay with it, then I just start to cave. I have a committment problem with my savings. I still have no money saved up. Committment problem with school. Im slacking in school and not doing too well in two of my courses. Along with the “diet” im slacking with the gym. Havent been going much. Another committment problem is keeping things to myself and not spilling them out. I mean i know I shouldnt hold things in, but I shouldnt tell certain people certain stuff cause its not fair to them. Lastly saying im done, and then not being done. I say im not going to do something ever again and then what do I do, I do the same stupid fucking thing over and over agian. As bad as this sounds, this is probably going to be broken too but honestly seriously I really want to change things and start fresh with my self. I feel like my “committment” problems are what have been creating me to be in these weird funks. Because they have happened a lot lately. I just want to isolate myself and cry. And I kind of want to isolate myself right now just so I can have a little space and breathe. I really want to stay away from technology for a week or so, but I kind of need my phone to get in contact with my family. I mean tumblr is kind of my space spot to where I can get away from a lot of things and not really worry if people “judge me” or not. And I dont think my tumblr is getting creeped on anymore so I guess I am safe with that. But anyways I want start being committed to my “goals”. Here are some old goals and new goals I want to work on and be able to keep them:
- Diet - eating healthier-fruits and vegetables-calorie and carb and sugar count
- School-focusing more-spending the free time I have on my school work- participating- doing my assignments- studying
- Not repeating the same mistakes- thinking and putting myself first- moving on and keeping things in the past
- Career- am I going to work my way up at oakcrest. Am I going to go the marines. Am I going to a 4-year college
- I had a new goal…but I kind of forgot what it was…
Ive just been feeling stressed and feeling aweful about my ownself and I feel thats why im in this funk. So i hope that I can keep these “goals” and that accomplishing one at a time will make me feel better eventually, which I already know that when I accomplish something it does make me feel better. I think a drive to PA tonight is looking pretty good to me right about now; to clear this little head of mine.
That my head is out of my ass now. School, school, and more school is whats going to be the main thing im focusing on right now. During the rest of the semester it will be gym and social time with friends. Work is something I really cant control and having two jobs and working everday besides wednesday has been alright so far, so I can continue to manage that. Money is the next thing, which means time for budgeting. I need to fill out my fasfa and regestier to vote. I might go up to the mva next wednesday and regestier to vote then. If not I will do it sometime when school is over with. When the spring semester is over with I will focus on what I want to do after my last year of ccbc. Am I going to go to a 4 year college, go to the marines, or work my way up at work. If I chose the 4 year college then I need to apply to it and figure out how I am going to be able to attend. If I chose the marines I need to go talk to a recuriter again, study for the test, take out my gauges, and get my dermals removed. If I chose to work my way up at oak crest I need to talk to Reuben and see what he thinks and maybe go to HR and see what they can do. Not focusing or thinking about a relationships right now; however, if someone does end up walking into my life and I have everything figured out its going to be like this: okay we can “date” but I have this and this and this I have to worry about so we arent going to make it offical and its not going to be offical so either take it like that or leave, sorry dude. And that may seem bitchy or cold or whatever but you cant focus yourself around someone else when you need to focus on yourself. You cant base your future around someone else. This is your life and you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, so you need to make the decisions on your own without factoring someone else in on it. So relationships, dating, and all that stupid shit right now is out the door. Not even thinking or worrying about it. Im independent and honestly im a lot better off on my own. But anyways im taking one step each and everday closer to what I want to do with my life and what I want and what I need in my life without anyone influencing or what not on my desicions. From here on out my decisions are all going to be based on me and no one else. Its what I want. Its what I need. Heads out my ass, and I feel great. Nice chat (: